bein a superwoman, or plain jane?

oh my gosh i am so bored....how nice if i can jst get out there, scream 'fuck the world!!!!!'
at this point of time, i wanna:-
-dump my boyfriend
-be an independent woman
-have kids n raise them myself
-i wanna tell men to go fuck themselves n be gay instead....cos men r jst this bunch of scumbags who r worthless n very very selfish!

thank goodness my bf doesnt read this blog, or so i hope...cos i dun think he wld be too happy wid all i hv to say!

numb

i dun knw how to feel....i feel ripped off agnst....i feel like i am doin as told by de ppl who dun deserve it.... i feel not happy....n i feel used...i feel not trusted upon....i feel as if i am not worth bein told wuts happenin...

i feel my feelings hv been killed....i am numb again.....de 2nd time.....1st was i was 17/18...now yet again...

routine

of late life has been a routine.....well at least i feel like an object of routine in de eyes of de person i luv most....how comfortin that is...i feel as if he takes me fr granted....n that i am not close to him anymore....this may partially be bcos i feel as if i am moving away too....more of a cant be bothered attitude....i feel like a puppet, played with when bored n in need of company, chucked away when not needed....now the question is y shld i even bother tryin? it's like clappin wid one hand....every talk(read:argument) we have he makes it sound as if its my fault....it doesnt help that it's in a long distance rship....i feel threatened.... i feel this is not right....n de more i feel that way the more i tend to not care.....i hv given up hope on men....esp thse of my age grp....some matured ones knws how to treat a girl...i dun need mch pampering (i hope!) but yes, bein in a r'ship i do expect sum intimacy.....maybe am i jst a prostitute when i am wid him? i hv nvr felt that way stayin wid him....maybe once a while whn he's too rough....doubtin the fact that i wldnt feel the same whn i go back this time? i know i am becomin less n less tolerant....esp when i knw there's ppl out thr who r rude to him, n yet i go to great lengths not to be....maybe i am bein overcritical of stff? maybe i am bein an object of routine? maybe de end is near?

humm...

this is to remind me of certain things...

http://www.bbc.co.uk/newsa/n5ctrl/progs/07/hardtalk/albar13sep.ram

greetings!

*long post ahead*
hey, how hv u been goin?! all good?!!! i hope so...its mid sem break next week...unless ur hvg exams/assignments due tom....u shld already be in de holiday mood! so to thse who r hvg ur wuteva due soon....all de best!!! n to those who hv ntg up, wut de heck r u doin readin this....go get sloshed!
well as for me, this past 5 or so weeks have been tough...very hard in fact....it seems to me, as i move forward, more challenging stuff i face, emotionally and physically...n mentally too...i am emotionally and mentally very sick....n very tired physically....my emotions hv been a roller coaster ride....
the first 2 weeks was ultimately hard...everything was rough....much of wuteva i said n did was interpreted in a wrong way...i was dissatisfied wid many things...n i was bein very rude abt my opinions....nt tlkg to anyone much....mainly bcos i was tired.....sick of bein shoved ard like a rug...i felt very used, and ultimately taken fr granted....it's as if i was too nice all the time, the ppl ard me started taking advantage of that....it's one thing to do that, but to come bck to me n cause me even more anger jst blew my hats off....
bt i did sit down abt 3 weeks plus back....to hv a good think abt wuteva that was goin on...n came up to a few conclusions, hence decisions...so i am gonna change myself (yet again!)....cos i found myself to be too nice...many who r my associates(hi-bye friends)....-see how i dun refer to them as friends anymore-.....r gonna remain as associates.....i am gonna see them n am not gonna act anymore (but sumtimes i dun think i wld still have a choice cos sum ppl cant even take me ignoring them, but de best part is they still hv the cheek to be rude to me! haha! <--that was a sarcastic-cum-egoistic laugh)
in the process of bein hurt i was so very angry....ultimately bcos i let others to use me to start with....i was too nice n play-doh like.....u chuck me one side, i get into that shape n move on....what i wasnt realising was how it was affectin me....n how i let it affect me bcos i din wanna hurt the other party (whoeva it is, if u feel guilty readin this, then its best u hv a good think n see if wuteva i'm sayin is related to u, if not, ur not related to this matter at all....that or ur a masive piece of pig ileum)...i learnt so many things abt myself...abt ppl....n everythg else abt me n my relationship with ppl...so yeah...i am gonna change myself...n i am gonna make sum changes to suit that decisions...
firstly...i am gonna delete this blog....the whole reason i started this blog was fr it to function as my venting area...all i want after a day's of hard work is to come back n bitch....n i wanna bitch widout de ppl ard me readin abt it...yeah i know i'm pretty foul n vulgar real life....i'm worst online (understatement of the year, i know)...i sumhow lost my passion to write sumwhr along the line.....n yes, thats bad cos i cant freakin vent freely!
i am really thinking abt deletin my whole friendster to start with...it has brought me more harm den good from start....yeah sure i can be connected to so n so...n camwhore n put up photos....bt this whole shit bores me to death now....more so ever when i get ppl jst sending friends' requests to me...even tho i put a biiiiiiigggg arse shoutout der to tell ppl to fuckin intro urself lah bloody shit eatin earthworm, i can count the number of ppl who even bothered to send me a msg introducin themselves!!! come on lah mr. earthworm....in real life do u really jst go up to a fucker by de side of de road n say....wei macha, i wanna be ur fren....faster gv me ur number...holy cow no rite!!! no wonder they're earthworms....but uc i'm soo bloody nice rite....i msg them, oi fucker intro urself lah...u think u wat, brad pitt or shah rukh khan(this is specifically for de indian guys who pose like wild boars)....den obviously these machas hv got nothin better to do other than thanni (drink) n go fuck prostitutes rite....so obviously they're too high either frm cheap alcohol or sum bitch suckin off their antenna lah...they never reply....then uc after a few weeks...u'll get a msg...wei...y never add...u think wat u aiswarya rai is it?! my reply....yeah, thats y u wanted to add me rite, cos i so beautiful!
digressing, those r jst small stuff that irritates de hell out of me lah....on a good day it doesnt affect me...de last thing i need on a bad day is earthworms like these mkg me wanting to flush them down the toilet bowl...
that said, friendster has also made me hv like a connection kinda thingy wid my ex-schoolmates....n i met sum good friends thru this thing....argh i'm really goin backs n forths now....
but seriously lah....friendster has brought me a lot more unpleasant experiences....many of which is caused by my own stupidness....but u knw, at that time i din know...now i do...n i am gonna learn frm it....
i dunno if this change is fr good or fr de bad...bt wut i knw is i am in a way buildin a wall ard me....cos i dun wanna be hurt anymore...it hurts so bad when sumone takes advantage of me...it hurts even more when i feel as if i let them hurt me....i'm taking things positively...i am seein this all as a learnin experience....this is just my way of mkg sure my brain hv control over my emotions, n so that i have a clear, practical mind ALL the time...
to those who think ur greater than me, haha yea sure wuteva lah....i didnt even say i was great to start with....here, take MY (hard-earned) 10 cents n save up for ur vibrator of sum sort....ur obviously fuckin lonely n in desperate need of sum entertainment...
on another note, thanks u guys who hv been readin my blog....especially those who take the time n trouble to either msg me, or talk to me abt it when they see me to cheer me up....i appreciate u guys' takin ur time n trouble doin all that...it's very genuine n thse kinda stuff really makes me feel warm....again, thank u...
i guess i will hv to do wut i hv to do...take good care of urselves guys....cheers! 09-12-2007 at 08:52 AM

oh so true!

i was reading this on Shazmin's blog (de famous Mix Fm dj laa...i din know she was married to a mat salleh! her kids are adorable!!!!! *most of u guys wld prob'ly say 'go find oz fella la...ur already there!'....sorry lee, i sayang raji baby too much to even think about stuff that doesnt involve his lil soldiers...lolz!!!! *at this point, instead of feelin sick cos as usual, i'm all lovey dovey wid my man...at least go 'awwww, so sweet' or jst simply try n smile for my lame attempts to get u guys to exercise ur facial muscles sikit*....
n yea...i also admit i live in my own crabbie lalaland...cos i dunno who's married to who...n bla bla....*hides further in lalaland*....but dunnolah...thse stuff dun interest me...if u ask me how can a certain minister get the idea of spending RM 12 million on a certain roof...i wld definately offer to teach this certain minister a lil component in math called statistics......comes wid all de knowledge necessary to estimate certain stuff....but i tot this was taught in like sec sch wat....hummmm....i'm worried for the future of my country...
coming back to the whole point of this post...so i read thru Shaz's blog rite...n i found this really interesting post, sent to her by one of her many listeners, Zane...i so totally enjoyed this one!!
Here are some home truths, in case you haven't noticed....
Men:1. All men are extremely busy.2. Although they are so busy, they still have time for women.3. Although they have time for women, they don't really care for them.4. Although they don't really care for them, they always have one around.5. Although they always have one around them, they always try their luck with others.6. Although they try their luck with others, they get really pissed off if the woman leaves them.7. Although the woman leaves them they still don't learn from their mistakes and still try their luck with others!
Women:1. The most important thing for a woman is financial security.2. Although this is so important, they still go out and buy expensive clothes and stuff.3. Although they always buy expensive clothes, they will still say that they never have something to wear!4. Although they never have something to wear, they always dress beautifully.5. Although they always dress beautifully, you hardly care.6. Although you hardly care, they still expect you to compliment them.7. Although they expect you to compliment them, when you do, they don't believe you!
go visit Shaz's blog guys! it's really fun reading thru her posts...click here ...n this is the direct link to her blog...
take care guys...n hv a good weekend ahead! 08-16-2007 at 04:53 AM

ppl and their behaviour...

anyone notices how ppl come find u only when they need u? thse kinda ppl gets into my nerves...n it's ridiculous esp when u really hv no heart to turn them down...best part is...u know they wont help u...so wut do u do wid thse ppl? do u tell them to fuck off..? sure i wld ask them to go play wid their own soggy shit too...but wut if uc thse ppl day in day out? wut if u knw them so bloody well...but they can still make eye contact wid u n make dunno...?!
i am this close to tlg everyone really how i feel abt them... 08-11-2007 at 04:05 AM